Month: October 2016

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Lost Photographer

Halloween, Dios de Los Muertos, or whatever it is you call today. Today has not been a good day. Results for a test came in: I failed. Dryer rack broke and fell (like my test results). My mood has also fallen.

I’m starting to breath normally again as I write this post. With a heavy heart, I just lost someone that I had designated as my “photographer”. Long-time readers of this blog will remember the post 刻骨銘心嘅記憶, where I made note of my ability to remember really obscure things, and because of this, didn’t need to be a photographer. However, there are many moments I’d like to share with those who mean something to me, and if all the images are only in my head, that makes it hard.

There was a person I designated as my photographer, but for whatever reason they decided to stop talking to me, and I feel really awful for this. Was it because of something I did? Was it because of something I said? Quite possibly both. I thought that recently we had shared some very good conversations, but when they had few bad days, they apologised for not responding to me sooner. I said “It’s OK! It’s over now!” I didn’t mean that it was over between me and this person, but that the horrible event that they just overcame is over, and meant for it to be a moment to rejoice. Yet, I didn’t realize how ambiguous that message was until much, much later. At this point, they must be very sad. I’ve tried to explain myself, but I’m blocked, unfriended, and without a way to say anything. All I can say is, I’m sorry, if this is the reason they chose not to talk to me.

If there is another reason, the ever-curious me would like to know why, but maybe I’ll never get that chance. If there’s anything I could say to this person, is I never meant to hurt them.

I don’t have this person’s pictures anymore, but I will remember this person for what I’ve learned from them.

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Automatic: Flow or Drone?

Today, I mow over another bit of the past. Removing pages that shouldn’t be around, and continually trimming things that I no longer want in this page.

Yesterday, I was on a set, and people were earnestly talking to me, yet I was completely detached. I gave minimally-required responses that were expected to make a conversation interactive, in hopes that maybe it would eventually blossom into a real conversation that I feel I could participate in.

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot into Mindfulness, and trying to be mindful with the current moment, and those around me. I obviously was not being mindful of where I was, and what I was doing. I wasn’t just disengaged from the conversation, but also from my actions as well. I was just doing my job automatically without thinking about the tasks at hand, I just did them. Meanwhile, my mind drifted away into other thoughts.

In fact, I’ve been doing this for so long, that it’s become my modus operandi. Then,
I got to thinking about this phenomenon: Even though I’m doing these things automatically because I’m familiar with them, I’m not in a “State of flow”.

In essence, the state of flow means that you are fully immersed in a specific activity, where you are fully focused and completely energized. Some call this “being in the zone”.

So when was the last time I actually had this feeling of total immersion? I can’t remember, but here are some ways to identify them:

  • So focused on something that everything disappears.
  • All action and awareness is dedicated to that one thing.
  • Time can either speed up or slow. Self-consciousness disappears.

So how do I train for it? How do I achieve this?

  1. Overload your brain with all sorts of information. (This starts with you being very uncomfortable.)
  3. Stop thinking about the problem (release yourself from it).
  4. Deep low. Recovery. (unpleasant).

“Hacking flow” means learning how to manage that recovery. Hm… This post went in a different direction from where I thought it’d go…