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是咁的，身邊啲朋友成日問我有咩擇偶條件，佢哋都喺度巴巴閉閉咁分享佢地嘅心得。
It’s like this: Friends around me ask me all the time what my conditions are in choosing a mate, boasting about their achievements.
話咩要有劉心悠嘅面孔、法拉嘅笑容、雷凱欣嘅身材、何家淑女嘅後台、Angela Monkey嘅整容醫生。
Saying something like she needs to have Annie Liu‘s face, the Fala Chen‘s smile, Vonnie Lui‘s body, the background of the Ho Daughters, and Angela Monkey‘s plastic surgeon.
我多數就一句車埋去：「咁個條女會唔會陪你去食麥記先？」
I usually shootem’ across the bow: “So is that girl gonna’ eat with you at Mickie-D’s”
個宅男肥仔拎住個巨無霸，臉容扭曲到好似畢加索啲名畫咁，生命去到一個非常危險嘅階段。聽到依個問題，佢已經從最終幻想中解放出黎。
That home-body fatboy was holding onto his Big Mac, his face became contorted like a Picasso drawing, he’s entered a very dangerous stage in his life. Once he heard my this question of mine, he had finally come out of his final fantasy.
他已經死了。
He just died.
唔想講都要坦白講，一個男人去到廿幾歲，拖住條女，「去邊食飯」依個問題仲難解拆過「南北韓危機」同「阿仙奴N年無冠」。
Even if I don’t want to say it, I just have to lay it out plain, a man in his twenties, dragging his girl around, “Where should we eat?” This question is even harder than the “North-South Korean Crisis” and “Why hasn’t the Arsenal Footbal Team won a cup in X number of years?”
有時銀包就得個幾廿蚊，衰啲講句入星巴克買杯Latte扮下高尚，已經要行路返屋企。
Sometimes all my wallet has is about twenty-something [Hong Kong] dollars, put it embarrasingly, buying a Latte at Starbucks to pretend I’m classy, means I’ll have to walk home [no money to take the bus or subway].
隔離有個女伴，想食餐經濟啲嘅都要左諗右諗，
Next to me was a female companion, even thinking about eating cheaply takes a bit of effort.
「譚仔呀！今日想食米線！」
“How about Tam’s? I feel like vermicelli!”
「吓，好逼喎…」
“Huh? It’s so crowded…”
「沙嗲王呀！都坐得舒服！」
“How about Satay King? That’s a cozy place!”
「吓，要等勁耐喎…」
“Huh? We have to wait really long…”
「不如食碗雲吞麵呀！寶貝你想減肥嘛！」
“How about Wonton Noodles? Babe, you wanted to lose weight!”
「吓，勁多阿叔阿伯喎…」
“Huh, there’s so many old geasers there though…”
「食麥記」？你真係講都唔敢講！就算佢肯，你都唔好意思問。
“Let’s eat at Mickie-D’s“? You shouldn’t even bring it up! Even if she were willing, you’d be embarrassed to ask her.
試過同一位已成歷史塵埃嘅女朋友走入一間茶記。
I tried going to a tea food hall with a girl of mine with a long history.
喂唔差架喎其實！
Hey, it’s actually not bad!
地板立立令唔在講、餐牌全過膠，令你感受到法國西南部波爾多嘅浪漫迷情、加上圍繞身邊，三部LCD大電視，令你可以係2013年，觀賞亞視節目：「2010年亞洲小姐決賽」，個種係過去未來穿梭嘅快感令人縈繞夢域。
You don’t have to mention it but the floor is shiny, the menu has been laminated, gives you that sort of Southwestern French Bourdeaux Mysteriously Romantic vibe, top that with the surrounding three LCD giant-screen TVs, allows you in 2013 to watch Asia TV‘s “2010 Miss Asia Pageant”, that sort of enjoyment you get from crossing the point between the past and the future, allowing you to linger in a sort of dream realm.
一個客飯配咕嚕肉，唔包餐飲都78蚊，絕對唔cheap！
Rice plate with sweet and sour pork, without the drink is $78 (HKD), DEFINATELY not cheap at all!
只不過對面個女人就唔係咁諗啦，
But the girl facing me doesn’t think so.
聽到入茶記已經成個比達上身咁西口西面，
Once she heard we were going to a tea food hall, it was like she was possessed by Vegeta, putting on a cunt-like poutty face.*
見到個餐牌直情變埋超級西面人。
Once she saw the menu, she pretty much turned into a super cunt-face.
大佬，你想做比達都睇下對面個個係唔係莊子啊！
Come on! Even if you want to be Vegeta, you should at least see if the person across from you is Bulma!
又話唔乾淨、又話個位逼、又話電視機好嘈。
She says it’s not clean, and her seat is so crammed, and the TV is too loud.
我心諗：「法拉利跑車啲位仲窄，你係咪唔坐先？成日落老籣啲 clubbing，都唔似好安靜下話，斷估你都唔會拎本雙城記去老籣呀，你邊有咁文藝呀？」
ok fine！我諗就凶狠，講就冇份…
I thought, “The seats in a Ferrari are even tighter, are you not going to sit in one? You’re always clubbing at the Penthouse Sky Lounge, doesn’t seem quiet at all, I don’t suppose you’d bring a copy of ‘A Tale of Two Cities’ there, you aren’t even that artsy!”
OK fine! My thoughts are mean, so I’m not gonna’ say a thing…
最後佢講左一句：「Honestly，我覺得食餐飯每人三百零蚊好基本囉。」
Then she said, “Honestly, I think eating a meal that’s $300 (HKD) for each person is the bare minimum.”
我心諗：「安甩匙哩，你唔洗強調每人囉，你都冇找過數。係咪？」
I thought, “‘Honestly’, You don’t have to make it out to be each person, you’re not paying. Right?”
我想即刻飛左佢。
I wanted to dump her right then and there.
但事實上佢即日已經飛左我。
But the truth was, she had already dumped planned to dump me that very day.
悲劇。
Tragedy.
我曾經以為女人都是這樣，我曾經想過做「一休和尚」算數。得閒有需要就扑下木魚，以此為樂。
I used to think all women were like this, I wanted to just “call it quits, become a monk”, and that’s that. During my spare time, I’d just go knock a Wooden fish as entertainment.
估唔到有生之年仲搵到一個主動同我食麥記嘅女仔。
I never thought I’d actually find a girl who was willing to eat at Mickie-D’s with me.
一個男人要同女朋友食麥記，為咗啲咩？
What does a man come to Mickie-D’s with his girlfriend for?
覺得麥記好好食？覺得麥趣飯好爆趣？覺得陳豪真係會拎住條寬頻線彈出黎請你飲杯「給不千奴」？
Is it because I thinkMickie-D’s food is great? Is it because I think it’s explosively awesome? Is it because I think Moses Chan will seriously bust out a broadband cable line and treat you to a cup of “Cappucino”?
成年人唔好比咁多幻想自己啦，廿幾歲仔要拉個女朋友去食老麥只係因為四個字－「山窮水盡」。
Adults shouldn’t given themselves such fantasies, twenty-something year-olds only drag their girlfriends with them to The Old ‘M’, because of four words – At my wit’s end
講真，當個女仔提議食麥記嘅時候，我真係懷疑佢係到試探我。只要我話好，就會收取「你是好人」嘅好人卡。
Seriously, once that girl suggested Mickie-D’s, I was wondering if she was testing me. If I said “yes”, she’d take away my “you’re a good guy” card.
但我見佢咁真心又一試無妨。
But when I saw she was serious, I was put at ease.
一坐低佢就問我食咩，就自己行左出去買。
When I sat down, she asked what I wanted, and went ahead and bought it.
我心諗「出事！」
I thought “I’m in trouble!”
係麥記兵法之中，只要你戰略得宜，一餐飯既價格要超越California Pizza絕對唔係難事。
In the “Mickie-D’s Art of War”, once you been strategically taken advantage of, a meal that can surpass California Pizza is definately not far-fetched.
一個散嗌嘅扭扭粉，掟個靚彎去隔離「麥café」整杯藍梅特飲，加件芝士餅。驀然回首order多客薯條走鹽，雞翼併盤當做例行，真係我慣了傷心，臨尾飄移外賣一個開心樂園餐，話要換禮物比細佬。成壇野已經一百幾廿蚊，仲要未買你個份。
Macaroni on the side, turn around the corner next door to “McCafe” to get a blueberry drink, and a slice of cheese cake. Then come back and get some fries without the salt, some chicken wings for the road, I’m used to my heart getting broken like this, then end it all with a happy meal to go, as a “present for her little brother”. The whole thing is already $100 and some change, and then you have to buy your own.
只係說時遲、那時快，女朋友已經買咗返黎，佢最後要既只係廿一蚊既麥樂雞餐，無加大、無加三蚊變檸檬茶。
Before I could complete that thought, at that moment, my girlfriend had already returned, she just got a $21 chicken McNugget meal, no super size, no $3 lemon iced tea.
個一野已經眼濕濕，我想話比返錢佢，佢仲借啲意話遲下食好嘢先比我請返。
At that very moment, my eyes started to get wet, I wanted to give her back her money, she just said I can treat her back later on.
我好滾動，我終於流下男兒淚，個時仲要搭梗枱。
I was so touched, I finally let off some manly tears, we were even sharing a table with some strangers.
女朋友問我好地地做咩喊，我唯有話啲洋蔥澀眼，真係「一層一層一層 的剝開我的心」，但係我食梗魚柳包…
My girlfriend as me what was wrong, I could only say the onions were getting to my eyes, it really was like “a layer upon layer, just opening up my heart”, but I was eating a Fish Filet…
個一刻，我終於明白，咩叫感動。
At that moment, I finally realized, what it meant to be moved.
踢場足球係 運動、
You play soccer, that’s exercise.
比賽攞獎係 激動、
Competing in a competition and getting an award, is just getting excited.
BB出世係 作動、
Baby coming into the world is just movement.
上床攪野係 性衝動、
Having sex on the bed, is just a sexual operation.
套都唔戴係 輕舉妄動、
Not wearing a condom is overestimating.
長洲個個係 張保仔洞，
That place in Cheung Chau, is just Cheung Po Tsai’s cave.
只有女朋友係你唔太惦嘅情況下，主動拉你去食麥記，仲要顧住你面子，唔令你難堪，掛住個笑樣拖住你隻手仔食薯條，個一下先叫感動。
While you’re not in your best shape, as long as your girlfriend, willingly goes to Mickie-D’s, and still looks out for your self-esteem, doesn’t make you feel bad, puts on a smily face while holding your hand eating a french fry, that moment is what it means to be moved.
劉心悠始終會老、法拉都有黑面嘅時候、雷凱欣會爆炸、何家淑女你又唔係陳X聰、Angela Monkey都開始同人撞樣啦！
Annie Liu will become old eventually. Fala Chen has moments of her dark sides, Vonnie Lui will blow up in an explosion, and those Ho Daughters aren’t even Peter ____in’ Chan, and Angela Monkey is already looking like some other girls.
男人一生，尋覓到一個肯同自己挨麥記嘅女人，三個字。
In a man’s life, when he finds a girl who’s willing to bear through Mickie-D’s with him, means three words:
娶得過。
She’s a keeper.
*
The world 西(West) is a euphamism for the Cantonese word for “cunt” which can be found here. The reference to Vegeta, is that in Cantonese, the term “西人 (Sayan)”, which is an alien race with superhuman powers in the Dragon Ball comic series.
**The phrase 超級西面人 (Super Cunt-face), is a reference to 超級西人 (Super Saiyan)